How to Protest the Right Way
I don’t understand protesters. I really don’t. I mean, I get why people protest. They believe in or hate something so passionately that they feel the need to congregate with likeminded people in public to make their voice heard, which I do support. That’s freedom. That’s democracy. That’s what this great country is all about. But, don’t you people have something better to do than go to a protest? Wait, let me phrase that better. Don’t you have responsibilities and interests in your personal life that take precedence over protesting? Like, oh I don’t know, a job, or school, or a significant other, or watching Netflix, or reading Home and Garden magazine, or just socializing with friends. I can’t think of anything less fun than a protest, unless it’s directed towards Chick-Fil-A not being open on Sundays.
I can’t imagine saying to a friend “hey, want to go to Michael’s (I’m talking about Michael’s Craft Store and not some guy named Mike’s house) and get some paper and markers to make some clever signs, and then go stand outside with other people that have signs and we’ll get really self-conscious that our signs don’t have as good of a pun on them as other people’s signs, and we can yell for several hours on our feet on pavement, and then make an awesome Instagram post with the protest’s hashtag, all with the impending threat of getting attacked by people who disagree with us or being arrested by police officers who can’t stand spending their working hours getting screamed at and treated like dog shit when they're just trying to do their jobs? Doesn’t that sound fun? Want to go do that? Do ya?” ABSOLUTELY NOT. I have a job during the day and at night and on the weekends I like to watch TV, or go to a bar, or go out to dinner, like a normal person who has priorities and alcoholism.
Speaking of, you ever notice that protesters are never drunk. Never. How is that possible? It’s the perfect situation to get sauced. That would be the only way I could handle being at a protest. If I was ever forced into going to a protest, I would do it right. Firstly, I’d be there 3 hours early. Got to get a good spot. I’d have a bunch of cases of beer, a bottle of vodka with some mixers, a folding table, some sandwiches, chips and dip, and definitely a bluetooth speaker. Playing music out of your car works, but it’s not ideal and the bluetooth speaker is the cherry on top of a perfect tailgate. I mean protest. But I’d be tanked by the start of that protest. I’d have people putting their signs down, playing flip cup, we’d be having a ball. But that’s not what people do at a protest. They just stand there, sober and screaming, like a bunch of L-O-S-E-R-S. And the people reading this who have been to a protest are probably saying in their heads, “I’m cool, I drink, I drink like a bottle of wine when I drink at night… at home by myself with my two cats.” News flash: that’s not drinking. That’s just heart healthy.
Listen, all I’m saying is that we can spice up these protests. Tailgating. T-shirt guns. Cheerleaders, male and female. Beer vendors. Cotton candy vendors. A scheduled halftime to go pee. TVs with football playing. Seating. Port-a-potties. And last but not least, no protesting, in the classical sense of the word. This will be a new and improved type of protest. Instead, we’ll setup a jumbotron where you can pay to have a message put on the screen with whatever message you would’ve put on your poster. And for those who still want to vent and talk out their feelings, we will have designated argument zones that will be a bunch of those glass window booths with the speaker in it, like when you visit someone in prison, and people of differing views will be able to debate each other from either side while CNN and FOX News play on dueling monitors inside the booth, without the threat of violence. Now that’s the future of protesting. And these giant events that I’ll put on will be called Protestapalooza, and I’ll make hundreds of millions of dollars. And then, while you’re all burning this country to the ground, I’ll take all that money and buy an island in the Caribbean, and on that island I’ll build a ridiculous house, my own Chick-fil-A that’s open seven days a week, and my very own Michael’s Craft Store so that my house always has the most unique seasonal decorations in the world and I finally get featured in Home & Garden Magazine.
