My Life with ADHD: I’ll Do It Tomorrow
When I was a kid in elementary school, I spent my days like this: wake up early to watch Looney Tunes and then the same Sportscenter twice in a row, then school where I excelled in gym class, then soccer or basketball or tennis or lacrosse or baseball practice, then home to have dinner, then homework, then video games, then immediate sleep. I was nonstop. I loved watching TV. I loved being outside. I loved playing sports. I basically loved any type of stimulation. School was boring, recess was awesome, and the homework was a joke, but I would constantly put the work off until the very last second. But, it was so easy for me that I never thought twice about how hard it was for me to get any work started. Besides, I was a child and outlasting everyone else in manhunt was my main priority in life.
Then, middle school came along, which brought with it a lot more work. Also, the teachers were suddenly assholes because they had to deal with hundreds of kids all going through puberty at the same time. Middle school is basically a ton of children slowly turning into the hulk, and then add in a lot of wet dreams, absurdly harsh insults, crying, bullying and hallway fights. I quickly realized that I didn’t feel like doing all of the unnecessary additional work in middle school, so I just wouldn’t do it. When I wouldn’t do my homework, some of my teachers would reach out to my parents and tell them that I was very smart but not meeting my potential, which is probably what Stephen Hawking’s teachers told his parents when he was constantly rolling into class late. These problems continued for me into high school and when I was 15, my parents decided to have me tested for ADHD.
My parents found a credible guy on Craigslist to test me and… JK LOL! We went to a psychologist’s office, I took all of the neurological tests, and of course my results came back VERY positive for ADHD. I was given medication, which I took for two days, hated it, and then told my parents that I was done with meds and that they could suck a dick! No, I didn’t say that. I love my parents and they didn’t pressure me at all to take the meds. They just continued to yell a lot and get frustrated because what else do you do when your asshole son refuses to do their homework for reasons unknown. Looking back, I should’ve taken the meds because my ADHD continued be a problem in college. Academically, I struggled to get my work done and studying for exams was torture. Outside of academics, I had an AWESOME time and regret nothing other than peeing in my closet once and dating a girl long distance while I was at Florida State University. Chicks! College!
Fuck, I miss college.
The older I get, though, my ADHD has surprisingly gotten worse and worse. If I don’t exercise regularly, I have trouble starting new projects and some simple everyday tasks are nearly impossible. ADHD is a very real cognitive and psychological disorder, but most people don’t really understand it and they think it’s just procrastination or laziness. I don’t get mad at people who have that reaction, though, because those people don’t have a brain that works as shitty as mine does. Those people flat out can’t relate to what I go through, which I get. That’s fine. I do, however, hate the assholes who claim that they have ADHD because they get distracted by something or put off doing something at work. It’s kind of like how real nerds despise when a hot girl says she’s a nerd because she wears glasses and watched half of Guardians Of the Galaxy, when we all know she only watched the movie to fantasize about a night with Starlord.
I do have real, life-crippling ADHD. When it comes down to it, you probably don’t really understand ADHD, so let me explain a situation that perfectly lays out how it can affect someone’s life. Let’s say you want to make a dentist appointment, so you create a reminder for tomorrow in your phone that says “Make Dentist Appointment.” You wake up the next day, and then the next, and then the next, planning to call the dentist. Before you know it, two years pass by with that stupid little notification sitting on your phone, staring you in the face. Then, finally, one day your brain says "ok, let's call the dentist right now!", so you make the call. The receptionist at the dentist’s office tells you that there are no available appointments for three months. With no other choice, you take the first available appointment three months away. However, as soon as you hang up the phone, you immediately forget about the appointment because over the past 2 years, your brain has replaced the original goal of going to the dentist with the new goal of simply calling the dentist to make an appointment. Three months pass by and the day before your appointment, you get a call from the dentist’s office to confirm the appointment. Fuck! Now you can’t get to the appointment because you’re going to a bar after work tomorrow to meet your stupid friend that’s in town, who you don’t even like anymore but you feel obligated to see once a year. You reluctantly tell the receptionist that you need to reschedule, but she tells you that the next available appointment is literally another three months away. You take the appointment. Another three months go by and you somehow manage to actually make it to the appointment this time.
You arrive at the dentist’s office, fill out your definitely new insurance and address information, and the dental hygienist comes out to bring you in. She takes the awkward mouth X-Rays and somehow remembers everything about your life, but you have no clue what the fuck her name even is. You desperately want her to stop talking about the weather and trying to catch up with you while your mouth is being held hostage, but all you can do is nod and grunt. She finishes the cleaning and your gums are so hacked up that you spit up something that resembles bolognese into that stupid little bowl with the swirly water. Then, the dental hygienist tells you that you have three cavities and you might need to have a root canal on one of them. In your head, you think, hmm considering that I went almost four years without a dentist visit and I’ve been drinking far more coffee and soda than ever before in my life, the damage really isn't that bad. At that moment, all you want to do is leave but you’re stuck in that chair, waiting until the real dentist walks into the room.
But wait, hold on, it turns out that the dental hygienist either doesn't know shit or stopped caring about her job years ago because here comes the reeeeeeeeal dentist. He comes walking in, about to peer into his 24th mouth of the day, and he pokes only three teeth with that tiny fish hook before making a diagnosis. From only 18 seconds of inspection, he already knows more about the health of your teeth than the person who literally just spent 40 minutes inside your oral cavity. It turns out that you’re not going to get off as easy as you’d thought. He tells you that you have SEVEN cavities, you need a root canal on THREE of them and you should think about getting Invisalign. One thing at a time, you fake doc! Naturally, as a human being, you hear this news and you feel like you’ve somehow disappointed this guy you haven't seen in over three years. After the awkward tension in the room clears, you decide it’s a good idea to make a really shitty joke to break the silence like, "guess I'm not gonna wait another three years", and everyone fake laughs. Then, to really cap off this wonderful 46 minutes that has legitimately made you question just about every decision you've ever made in life, they give you the worst goodie bag ever to let you know that you’re a fucking loser because you maintain the same level of dental hygiene as an eight year old.
In conclusion, that’s what ADHD is like. Easy tasks regularly turn into catastrophes. I’ve lived a good life, though, and I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just happy right now that you’re reading my blog and feeding my ego heading into the weekend.
