Don’t Worry About Coronavirus Because You’re Already Dead Inside
While Laura’s viral tweet may seem like a harmless portrayal of a cute, loving relationship, what she doesn’t know is that she is married to a dead guy. Bear with me. Tell me if this sounds familiar…
“If there are no other questions, I’m going to go ahead and give everyone 5 minutes of their day back.”
If you’re unlucky enough to work a corporate job, you’ve said or heard this statement or something like it before on a conference call. The call was scheduled for 30 minutes, it’s currently 25 minutes into the call, and the host of the call attempts to trick you into believing they’ve gone out of their way to do you a favor, apparently gifting you five minutes of your life back. How nice of them (or you, and you know who you are).
Before I proceed, I want to point out that I believe there are actually a small percentage of people who regularly say this that are genuinely trying to be polite. Now, having given that teeny tiny group a bit of a pass, the rest of you who have been conditioned to say this whenever a meeting ends early, I have something to tell you that you might not already know… you are already dead.
You may still technically exist in the realm of the living, but you’re dead inside and you have been for quite some time. At a point earlier in life, whether it was six months ago or 30 years ago, your soul decided that it was in its best interest to leave your body when you used “synergy” in an email for the first time. And while your soul ultimately chose an uncertain existence between dimensions instead of remaining trapped inside your decrepit skinsuit, you still exist here, yearning each morning to go on a quest through the magical inbox until you defeat the unread army.
How did it get this way? You had bountiful dreams as a kid to do great things and see the world! Now, you live in a constant state of being overtired, carving out an exhilarating existence somewhere between panic attack and treating yourself to a latte on Saturday morning. You forgot how to speak and act like a normal human being, consumed by corporate speak and the politically correct culture of being in an office 40 hours a week. You gave up. You threw in the towel. You raised the white flag. Whatever saying you want to use, YOU SUCK. I know that’s harsh, but go back in time and tell your 12 year-old self how you spend each day and watch their reaction.
I’d like to tell you that you can change, that you can once again attain true joy in life, but I’m not big Tom Callahan (R.I.P.) and I don’t make guarantees. So, while you’re stuck at home for a few months due to COVID-19, just start to do things again that bring you genuine happiness or fulfillment.
BE AN ACTUAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING.
Pick up a new hobby, start playing video games again, finish that script you started 8 years ago, masturbate, play with your dog, play a board game, masturbate, do a puzzle, call that friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, cook your way through Julia Child’s Joy of Cooking, masturbate to Julia Child, play hide and seek, get your painting supplies out and start painting again, start a podcast, record yourself masturbating during a podcast, make a fort, watch all three Lord of the Rings in a single day, write a blog post for the first time in 17 months, and above all, remember to wash your hands for the CDC-recommended 20 seconds after you masturbate.
In all seriousness, use this extended opportunity outside of the office to reinvigorate your humanity that has been chipped away by years of disingenuous laughter in your Monday morning catch-up meetings. Find your happy place. We all need one right now…
