Official Kardashian/Jenner Family Rankings (By Likelihood of Becoming the U.S. President One Day)
Whether Donald Trump wins or loses this election, he has proven that any celebrity can run for president and potentially win, which made me think about what other celebrities would have a legitimate shot. My mind immediately went to the Kardashian/Jenner herd. Who else is power hungry AF and craves fame like those ass bags? I have legitimate hatred for that entire family and would not be upset if they followed in the O’Doyle family’s footsteps and drove off a cliff. Having said that, I firmly believe that multiple members of this modern day Brady Bunch would be more than successful presidential candidates. I’ve ranked each member of the family by how likely it is that he or she could become our Commander in Chief some day, categorizing each person into one of five groups.
This is not a joke. You should be terrified. One of these people will be president. God help us all.
Group A: No joke. These people could actually be President one day.
1. North West
Mom = Kim Kardashian; Dad = Kanye West. North already is and will continue to be groomed into a power monster. Imagine creating a bigger, faster, harder-hitting version of Ivan Drago, but translate that into a really fashionable presidential candidate with all the tools and resources to control everything in the known universe. Good luck to whoever has to run against North. Maybe one of Sylvester Stallone’s kids will be up to the challenge.
2. Kanye West
Kanye has already announced that he will probably run for president during the next election cycle. I don’t think I need to explain anything here because, as ridiculous as it sounds, Kanye West could very easily call The White House home soon. You may not want to believe it, but you know deep down that it might happen. All I know is that his campaign conventions would be incredible spectacles. Gay Fish 2020.
3. Kim Kardashian
Donald Trump is coming very close at this point, which bodes well for fellow reality star Kim, should she decide to put one of her ridiculous hats in the ring. She has all the qualities that our dumb country apparently wants in a president. She’s ruthless, driven and hard-working, while possessing an impressive social media following, a sex tape and absolutely no political experience. Kim would smartly use her reality show to subtly promote her campaign’s “policies”, focusing the storylines around the major issues. While none of us will say it out loud, we all know in our hearts that Kim would have an abortion to gain more votes, broadcasting the entire trip to Planned Parenthood on E!. It may not be right, but that’s what winners do.
Group B: On the right path and have a lot of potential.
4. Khloe Kardashian
For years, it seemed that Khloe had held off on drinking the kool-aid that the rest of the family started slurping years ago. She didn’t appear to have that same hunger for fame and power that Kim has always possessed, until the past couple of years. Maybe it was the Lamar divorce that changed her or that her dad became mom #2, but it’s very evident that Khloe is now on a path towards total world domination. Anybody that is willing to regularly participate in waist-trimming has the determination to do anything, regardless of the physical or mental pain that comes with it. On top of that, Khloe’s father might be O.J., which gives her that added bit of killer instinct that’s necessary to reach the top of the mountain. She isn’t at Kim’s level yet, but she’s on her way.
5. Kendall Jenner
Kendall is still very young, but she has a maturity and independence that her siblings lack. She has her family’s same sociopathic obsession with power, but with a more well-rounded view of the world and a real butt. She could be on a path toward becoming not only President of the United States, but Dictator of the Inner Planets once we colonize the solar system. She’s down at #5 due to the possibility that she remains a supermodel for her entire life, since potential advancements in plastic surgery, stem cells and cosmetics may allow her to look exactly the same until she’s 108 years old.
6. Saint West
Being the second child, Saint probably won’t receive the same military style child-rearing that North receives, resulting in a weaker urge to control the free world. I still have to place Saint at #6, though. Again, Mom = Kim Kardashian; Dad = Kanye West. Regardless of if Saint grows up to become a worthy presidential candidate, he will, at the very least, end up as North’s VP. Only time will tell.
Group C: Possible. Not probable, but possible.
7. Caitlyn Jenner
Unless you’ve served in the military, I would imagine that it’s hard to kill a person and then become president. Not to mention the whole transgender thing. As a country, we’re at the beginning stages of understanding that anyone can be whoever they want to be and love whoever they want to love, but we have a long way to go before we elect a transgender president. I should also mention that I was certain that our country wouldn’t elect a black or female president in my lifetime, yet here we are. Progress, bitches.
8. Kris Jenner
Kris enjoys the spotlight, but she seems more comfortable directing the people of power. Behind the scenes, she is constantly in the ears of each of her kids, influencing their decision making, much like Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings. For this, she probably won’t be the one to enter an election race, but she will definitely be a major decision maker behind closed doors if any of her children run for office.
9. Kourtney Kardashian
I feel like there are two different sides to Kourtney. On one side, she comes off as indifferent to pretty much everything other than her kids, stepping out into the spotlight with her sisters only when she feels like it. On the other side, Kourtney is the exact same person as Kim and would gladly murder someone to get on the cover of Vanity Fair. I could’ve ranked her higher, but the inconsistency could hurt her decision making during a campaign. If you want to be president, you have to be high-energy all the time. You have to be Nicholas Cage losing his shit from the moment you wake up to when you eventually go to sleep 3 days later.
Group D: Not very likely, but not ruling them out.
10. The Disick Children
Tough to really know where these kids will go in life. On the one hand, they all have Kardashian blood in them, which usually translates into confidence, no shame, a natural aura of entitlement and a vicious work ethic. On the other hand, they have Disick blood coursing through their veins, which means a lifetime of being a complete fuck-up. Their destiny will soon be revealed.
11. The Jenner Kids (Other than Kendall and Kylie)
Let’s be honest, nobody really cares about these guys (and girl) and I only have them in here as a formality. The only one I know anything about is Brody, who has a wonderfully chiseled jawline going for him, but good looks won’t be enough to get him into the Oval Office. Brody, Burton, Brandon and Cassandra should actually take this low ranking as a compliment, as they seem to be much less morally corrupt than the rest of the family.
Group E: 100% no fucking shot.
12. Scott Disick
Scott would be a great puppet and public speaker for any political party, but he has way too many demons to make it through any election. Can you imagine how incredible an opposing candidate’s smear campaign against Scott would be? On top of everything we already know about him, there must be a ton of ridiculous shit that hasn’t risen to the surface yet.
13. Kylie Jenner
I really tried to create some talking points for Kylie and I couldn’t come up with any reason that I think she could be president. Even though she is often grouped with sister Kendall, Kylie won’t ever manage to create her own career and jump out of the shadow of her family. She tries to put in the effort, but she will never meet the expectations set by her older siblings. My best guess for Kylie’s future is that she will fall into a downward spiral once Snapchat/Instagram/The Internet all die in the 2030’s.
14. Rob Kardashian
Not enough drive to be the President. Not enough drive to make a PB & J. I feel like Rob would be content to spend the rest of his life on a couch with his feet up on an ottoman, ordering takeout from high-end restaurants and watching first-cut Blu-rays of movies that won’t be released for another 6 months that he gets only after Kanye watches them first.
