Theory: Hillary & Donald Are Former Lovers
This entire election is batshit crazy, both candidates are batshit crazy and if it doesn't end soon, I'm going to go batshit crazy. I could go on a rant about each candidate, but I don’t feel like doing any legitimate political research. I would, however, like to address the elephant in the room from Monday night’s debate that, for some reason, no one is talking about.
The sexual tension between Hillary and Donald up on that stage was palpable. Every look, every smirk, every time they talked over each other, all I thought was “these two definitely used to bang.” How else do you explain Trump’s irrational defensive remarks and Hillary’s smug attitude? Both candidates are exhibiting textbook post-relationship behavior. Trump obviously entered this election because he’s bitter that Hillary will no longer accept his booty calls and he’s out for spiteful revenge. Hillary, on the other hand, is digging her stubborn heels (or flats) in, teasing Donald with her scandalous pantsuits and making him look like a fool.
Please allow me to prove my theory. In 1997, Trump filed for divorce from his second wife, Marla Maples. The divorce wasn’t finalized until 1999, which leaves almost a two year period that Donald was separated and looking for a rebound chick in New York City. At the same time, Hillary was dealing with the Monica Lewinsky scandal for all of 1998, maintaining publicly that all was well with her and Bill, but personally contemplating divorce. Meanwhile in ‘98, longtime NY Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan announced his retirement from the US senate, leaving an open race for his senate seat in the 2000 election. Hillary, eager to step out from Bill’s shadow and wandering genitalia, saw that open seat and began spending time in Manhattan to kickstart her campaign run for the senate. Naturally, as powerful people do, Hillary and Donald most likely got dinner in midtown one night, had a few too many bottles of wine, went back to Donald’s penthouse apartment, and stayed up all night talking and having shower sex (enjoy that visual). For the rest of ‘98, they saw more and more of each other, with Donald capitalizing on his free time and Hillary frequently visiting New York. Donald was slowly falling in love and around the time that his divorce was finalized in ‘99, he took a ring out of his pocket and got down on one knee to propose to Hillary in front of Trump Plaza. To the dismay of Donald, Hillary declined and ended the relationship, realizing that things had gotten too serious and that she needed to stay with Bill for her future political career. Donald was heartbroken, but being the power hungry, waddling penguin that he is, he went out and found himself a young, hot model named Melania Knauss to make Hillary jealous. His final move of desperation to win Hillary back was when he married Melania in 2005. He invited both Hillary and Bill, with the desperate expectation that Hillary would object to the wedding, run down the aisle, passionately kiss him, say “I love you, Donny”, and then immediately fly to Bora Bora with him to fog up the shower for a straight month.
But we all know that didn’t happen and Trump is now running for president to shatter Hillary’s dreams and get the ultimate revenge. Here’s a tip for all you kids out there: Don’t ever let jealousy consume you, no matter how good the shower sex was.
