Official NFL Fanbase Intelligence Rankings
Every NFL fan knows for a fact that his or her team has the best fans. Every NFL fan also knows for a fact that a specific team, usually a division rival, has the dumbest fans. While I could argue with anyone for the rest of eternity about which team’s fanbase is the least intelligent, I decided to actually pull some data and settle the debate once and for all. I 100% understand that these rankings are going to piss off a lot of people, but don’t take your anger out on me. Facts are facts. It’s not my fault that every Sunday you put on your jersey, drink an entire 18 pack of your team’s themed Bud Light cans, get in a mild altercation at the bar and then regret it all on Monday morning as you sit in pain on the toilet at work, dealing with the repercussions of the six shots of Fireball that you don't remember taking.
I compiled the rankings by combining the following six equally weighted criteria:
Average SAT Score
Average ACT Score
Average High School Graduation Rate
Average College Graduation Rate
Average Salary
My Extremely Biased Opinion
The rankings below are based on real data (for the most part). I actually put together a spreadsheet with formulas, so if you don’t like the data, then that means you don’t like truth, which in turn makes you a liar and nobody likes a fibby mcfibber. I’ve included a second “True Ranking” for each fanbase in parentheses that doesn’t factor in my biased opinion. Regardless of your ranking, don’t take it personally. It’s just data. In the words of Sean Maguire (aka the late Robin Williams, RIP), it’s not your fault.
32. Miami Dolphins Fans (True Ranking: 29)
I regret to inform the fans of the Miami Dolphins that you are the dumbest fanbase in the National Football League. Considering I live in Miami now, this is sure to backfire on me in my personal life, but the numbers don’t lie and it’s not like the season could get any worse for Dolphins fans at this point. My advice to Miami fans is to accept your fate, start ingesting heavy amounts of flakka and bring about the zombie apocalypse before you miss the playoffs yet again. (Positive note: the stadium renovation looks pretty dope)
31. Jacksonville Jaguars Fans (True Ranking: 28)
The Jaguars actually put a pool in their stadium and Jags fans love it. Yeah, it may look cool and it’s nice to stare at women in bikinis from really far away, but low intelligence is usually accompanied by a lot of STD’s, which means that the US military is probably taking samples from that pool after each game to power its biological warfare efforts. I also got stuck in Jacksonville for a week after Hurricane Sandy and I still haven’t recovered from the emotional trauma.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Fans (True Ranking: T-26)
If you’ve ever been to Gasparilla, this ranking makes perfect sense, although Gasparilla is a hell of a time. True story - I saw a woman on a boat at Gasparilla have her husband hold her arms so she could drop her butt over the starboard side and poop into the water in front hundreds of people. To clarify, her butt was NOT in the water. The lincoln log dropped a good 2-3 feet into the water, in front of hundreds of onlookers. I rest my case.
T-28. New Orleans Saints Fans (True Ranking: T-31)
It makes sense that Saints fans are ranked just ahead of Bucs fans, as Mardi Gras is an upgraded version of Gasparilla. The whole “who dat” thing is great and all, but the fact the team’s motto is something that a person says to their dog each time someone enters the house doesn’t exactly scream high-intellect. Emeril - if you see this, please don’t be upset with me.
T-28. Houston Texans Fans (True Ranking: T-23)
Texans fans look up to JJ Watt like he is a God. It is fact that any God is significantly more intelligent than his or followers. JJ Watt can’t spell “spaghetti.” I’ll repeat that. GROWN MAN AND NFL SUPERSTAR JJ WATT LEGITIMATELY CAN’T SPELL “SPAGHETTI.” If you need evidence of this, watch the 2015 season of Hard Knocks. By default, Texans fans aren’t smart enough to spell “spaghetti.”
27. Atlanta Falcons Fans (True Ranking: T-31)
While the team may be on the up-and-up right now and Julio Jones continues to be an absolute beast, Falcons fans continue to ride the short bus. I actually went to Atlanta for the first time recently and thoroughly enjoyed it, but I do have to point out that the TSA employee checking my ID in the ATL airport security line took more than 60 seconds to find my date of birth on my ID because the date “has dashes instead of slashes.”
T-25. Tennessee Titans Fans (True Ranking: 25)
Stop talking about the Music City Miracle and that you only lost the Super Bowl by one yard. It’s been 16 years. You know who else lost by one yard? David Carradine. But the rope was simply too short and he moved on from it. Please just keep making delicious bourbon and pumping out musical legends.
T-25. Dallas Cowboys Fans (True Ranking: T-23)
Cowboys fans pay the high prices to attend an NFL game at a premiere stadium and then proceed to watch the entire game on a giant television. That’s like buying a really expensive car and only using it to listen to music and charge your phone. Also, any person with a normal working brain should be able to tell that Dez Bryant isn’t playing because he’s completely heartbroken about being forced to give away his pet monkey. Start a petition to get his monkey back and he’ll return to the field and destroy everyone.
T-23. Carolina Panthers Fans (True Ranking: 30)
According to the data, Panthers fans are the worst test takers in the league, with the lowest combined scores on the SAT and ACT. At least you have dabbing. I’m assuming that Panthers fans have the same reaction to dabbing that babies have to peak-a-boo, which is so cute!
T-23. Arizona Cardinals Fans (True Ranking: T-26)
The Cardinals fanbase is made up of people who elected to set up shop smack-dab in the middle of a desert, probably thinking they would save money because they wouldn’t have to pay the energy company for heating. Cards fans, for the most part, also passionately support Trump and interpret “border control” as permission to be wildly racist, and racism is usually accompanied by an inability to complete basic multiplication times tables.
22. Washington Redskins Fans (True Ranking: 22)
All the smartest Redskins fans left to become Ravens fans 20 years ago because who in their right mind would stick with this team. This is a fanbase that doesn’t even root for its own team anymore, instead focusing all of their energy on rooting against other NFC East teams.
21. Buffalo Bills Fans (True Ranking: 18)
Two words: BILLS MAFIA. For the record, I fucking love Bills Mafia. Thanks to the internet, we are all now privy to what is arguably the most passionate fanbase in the league, and that’s probably a huge understatement. Having said that, the decision-making at a Buffalo tailgate is questionable at best and I can only imagine how many pregnancies start on Sundays outside that stadium.
20. Indianapolis Colts Fans (True Ranking: T-20)
All I have to say is that Colts fans actively supported getting rid of Peyton Manning to replace him with a guy that purposely grows out a neckbeard and still uses a flip phone. Good Luck! (Pun absolutely intended)
19. Cleveland Browns Fans (True Ranking: T-20)
Yes, Cleveland fans just won an NBA championship, but I’m still going to take it easy on them. They go through enough each Sunday. Keep your heads up, Browns fans. Maybe Johnny Football or Tim Couch will make a comeback. It could happen!
18. Cincinnati Bengals Fans (True Ranking: 19)
The fact that Bengals fans haven’t been able to come together and push out Marvin Lewis is baffling to me. It’s hard to use your mind when you’ve been brainwashed to believe in a coach that’s in his 14th season with your team, yet he has never won a playoff game. People of Cincinnati - stop drinking the kool-aid.
17. Detroit Lions Fans (True Ranking: 17)
When you continue to brag about going 0-16, things can’t be operating well between the ears.
16. Baltimore Ravens Fans (True Ranking: 13)
Joe Flacco is not elite. Blue crabs are overrated. The Wire sucked. Ray Lewis should probably be in prison. Edgar Allen Poe is a bitch.
Any Ravens fan that just read that got riled up about at least one of those things. Ravens fans can be somewhat hot-tempered. (I want to quickly clarify that I love blue crabs and The Wire)
15. New York Jets Fans (True Ranking: T-10)
When I was younger, I was a Giants fan first and a Jets fan second. The older I got, though, the more I realized how much Jets fans hate the Giants and somehow actually love Fireman Ed. Now, I hate the Jets and just feel bad for their fans. I think they have the same short-term memory issue as the guy in Memento because they are constantly reminding themselves how to spell “Jets” by yelling out the letters J-E-T-S over and over. I look forward to your reactions, Jets fans. CAN’T WAIT!
***14. Oakland Raiders Fans (True Ranking: T-4)
Raiders and 49ers fans know that they owe their high rankings to the influx of nerds that have migrated to Silicon Valley over the past 30 years. As Woody and Buzz have become more realistic looking, the average intelligence of the bay area has risen considerably.
T-12. Denver Broncos Fans (True Ranking: 16)
Voting to legalize marijuana isn’t the move of an unintelligent population. I expected the Broncos fans to be ranked higher, but a low college graduation rate held them back. That makes sense, though, considering that the current education system doesn’t yet prepare students to find employment in the marijuana industry. Learn by doing, or learn by inhaling.
T-12. Los Angeles Rams Fans (True Ranking: 6)
DISQUALIFIED
I didn’t want to include the Rams, since their new fanbase is essentially only 7 months old, but data is data. If I account for my experience dealing with Lakers fans, this ranking is bullshit and should be much lower. LA fans are the fucking worst and can’t even have a conversation about their teams without arguing. New Rams fans need to prove themselves as real fans before they can be considered a legitimate fanbase. For now, they are disqualified.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers Fans (True Ranking: 9)
Any group of people that would swing yellow towels around for 3 hours in the cold while their hands go numb can’t be smart, but here they are at #11. However, I guess most Steelers fans are smart enough to move somewhere else, so maybe I’m underestimating you, Steeler Nation. I knew there was a reason you were everywhere. None of you actually want to live in Pittsburgh.
Roethlisberger has the body of a slightly pudgy toddler that recently started walking. This has nothing to do with the rankings.
T-9. Chicago Bears Fans (True Ranking: 15)
Anyone that thinks Chicago-style pizza is pizza probably has a hard time comprehending a lot of things in life. If you factor out their thoughts about Chicago cheese and dough casserole, Bears fans tend to be pretty reasonable football fans and don’t just blindly root for their team. Besides, Bears fans are still dealing with Jay Cutler behind center, which can’t be easy.
T-9. San Diego Chargers Fans (True Ranking: T-7)
I don’t know a lot of Chargers fans. Regardless of your fans’ overall intelligence, your team has a linebacker that was publicly catfished by a fake dead girl. That doesn’t reflect well on you. RIP Lennay Kekua.
T-7. New England Patriots Fans (True Ranking: 3)
This doesn’t make sense. Pats fans are nawt the brightest tools in the shed. They worship a man that wears Uggs and they can only count to 18. To be fair to Patriot fans, no one has taught them to count to 19 yet. They were going to learn about 19 a few years back, but it was decided at the last minute to indefinitely keep the cap at 18. In lieu of 19, they use the term “18 and 1.”
T-7. Philadelphia Eagles Fans (True Ranking: 1)
I can’t ignore the facts, but fuck the facts. This one also seems way too high. Try watching an Eagles game with an Eagles fan. Just try it. It’s kind of like listening to Billy Madison compare “The Puppy Who Lost His Way” to the Industrial Revolution. Knibb High Football rules!
6. Seattle Seahawks Fans (True Ranking: 13)
I once saw a Seahawks fan pour beer on his 49ers fan girlfriend at a bar because she kept yelling “Marshawn is a bitch!” in his face over and over. He had every right to do it, but no smart person in a relationship would ever act without thinking like that, which means that he represents all Seahawks fans. In reality, other than that incident, I’ve always found Seahawks fans to be quite lovely and intelligible, aside from how loud they are. The 12th man isn’t a coincidence.
5. Kansas City Chiefs Fans (True Ranking: 12)
I’m indifferent about Chiefs fans. This ranking seems pretty spot on, but I honestly don’t care. Congratulations on Tony Gonzalez.
4. Minnesota Vikings Fans (True Ranking: T-10)
Five weeks ago, Vikings fans were pretty vocal about how stupid they thought the Sam Bradford trade was, while everyone else knew it was the perfect fit. Good call, Minnesotans. JK! Nobody saw Bradford performing this well, especially right away, but give it time. Old Sammy boy will get injured or start vomiting interceptions any day now.
3. San Francisco 49ers Fans (True Ranking: T-4)
***See 14. Oakland Raiders Fans
2. Green Bay Packers Fans (True Ranking: T-7)
It’s no mistake that the cheeseheads come in at #2. The Packers are the only team in the four major US sports leagues that is publicly-owned by its fans. Such a genius move. I hope it stays that way forever. Not to mention the Lambeau Leap, one of humanity’s greatest innovations.
1. New York Giants Fans (True Ranking: 2)
Since I’m a Giants fan, I was embarrassed at first when I saw that we ranked #1. I honestly wanted to be completely impartial with these rankings, which is why I did a second round of research on the world wide web to find different numbers, but the results were the same, further proving that our superior intellect is undeniable. WE DA BEST. So damn proud to be on top and not surprised at all. It’s no coincidence that we have two QB’s on our roster, Manning and Nassib, with two of the top 20 Wonderlic scores of all-time. Intelligence attracts intelligence. I’m a realist, though, and this #1 ranking doesn’t change anything about our team right now, like the fact that Odell is an absolute lunatic or that our head coach meets the description for multiple registered sex offenders spread across 43 states.
